My Letter to Impressively Stupid Non-Black People

*Before you read my letter, read the news. I'd like to make it clear that I am not racist, colorist, whatever-ist in any sort of way. Just an opinionist.

Dear Blackfacers,

Hi. Hello there. How are you? How's mom? Oh, that's wonderful. Tell her I said hi! Okay, now that all of the formalities are out of the way....

What in the hell is wrong with you??? (The F-bomb is actually a better choice of words, but I'll refrain. I have a little bit more class than that.)

I barely even know you personally, yet I keep hearing about you fools over and over and over again. I am a journalist, and at my office, we filter through news everyday no matter how big or small, no matter the region, no matter the race. I have the extreme displeasure of seeing your faces pop up across my screen, smeared in dark and cakey substances, pursing your lips in combination with the peace sign, hauling your shoulders around, flailing your Bloods and Crips fingers and purposely butchering every ounce of English you've ever learned in grade school. Throwing around the word nigga -- the same word you'd be TERRIFIED to even refer to in my presence -- laughing at the funny you just made. And as hilarious as you may think your duck faces may be to your, erm, "homegirls," I, for one, am not impressed.

Check out this INSANELY FUNNY, omg-I-pissed-in-my-pants, knee-slapping hilarious video that one of your kind decided to share with the world recently. HAHAHAHA!! I hope that you know my laughs are about as real as their chance of survival if approached by an angry black viewer.

Point em out, point em out: Rachel Cooper and Jessica Heid, two students at the University of Minnesota Duluth

You know what, I take that back. I am impressed. Incredibly. You guys just don't give a f*ck do you? You all have either got some real heavy balls or been smoking on a little too much of these modern day drugs.

I'm not so much offended that you're mocking my people. It's irritating and makes me reconsider my pacifist ways to cause you physical harm, but it's something I can deal with for now. It's your asinine repeat offender tendencies that drive me up a wall. Why do people KEEP doing blackface? Stupidity is obviously a thrill, especially for the "True Negroes" shown above. Like, you saw people getting chewed out about it before. Dumb ish like this happens with foreign non-smart-people too, like in Israel and Sweden, but that's out of my jurisdiction. My business is to deal with the ratchetry on American soil.

Your sh*t is getting old, man. You need new material. For goodness sake, why can't you at least imitate the Obama's or something? Jay-Z and Beyonce. Will Smith & Co. You just HAD to be Boomqueesha and Tay-V'onte? Get a clue. Learn your surroundings and respect them. As we unfortunately have to respect (and I use this very loosely) you all. Do you know how many other types of black people there are in the world except the rappers who you clearly idolize? Since you can so effortlessly quote them. OF COURSE NOT. Too ig'nant for that. You've still got that black paint residue in the corner of your eye from your last homies night in session. Learn some damn couth and stop pissing on a culture.

Women and metrosexual men of non-color, as you try to exfoliate the dead skin from your face (that you CLEARLY go out of your way to tan, I'm just saying...), why is it absolutely necessary to try to get in touch with your inner Black Entertainment Television for the camera? Just clean your face and keep it moving.

You KNOW your video is going to be seen. You KNOW you're going to be outed. You KNOW you're going to be seen as idiots, with your names next to it. And more importantly for you, you KNOW you're probably going to get death threats and will have fear in your heart anytime you pass one of your long lost "brothas" (fist up, right?).

Quit while you're ahead. Broadcast your black girl twerk. Show off how proud you are to be the friend of the negro and how you understand our struggle ("My friend is totally a black person. I can't be racist!"). While you're in college, experience all the mandingo lovin' your heart (and body) desires. Adopt as many African babies as you want. But do so with your OWN DAMN skin complexion. I know that melanin is tempting, but back off.

Oh, one more thing: the whole apologizing thing. You're not sorry. We aren't dumb. If I had a buck for every time non-black people get wrapped up in racist antics and then apologize from "the bottom of their heart" to save face..... Suck mine. Then, take that same tainted apology and shove it.

Have a blessed evening.


A Real [ANNOYED] Black Girl.


  1. I am still dying at that "twerk" video, more of a seizure going on there.
    But yea, I couldn't watch that whole video because it was beyond ignant. A lot of these blackfacers out are in college so I'm led to believe that black history and the injustices black people and other people of color have endured throughout American history is either not being taught adequately or falling on deaf ears, maybe both. How do you get that far in life and academia and be so dumb to not realize the implications of blackface? But this is just what is claimed when they get called out. I'm sure they know exactly what they're doing but only cry ignorance when caught showing their asses. So tired of the BS


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